Running in the Dark

The alternate title of this post could be, "Mistakes Were Made."

It all started nicely - a wind-free, warm late-summer evening, the empowerment that comes with moving beyond a 10-hour workday to motivate one's self to run, excellent company in the form of my boyfriend's very athletic 11-year-old daughter whose taste in running shoes can only be described as impeccable. I even had a great route idea for the recommended 2.5 miles (which was actually 3.13 miles).

The one thing that I did not consider was the extent to which Seattle streets and sidewalks are falling apart and how much worry an errant step can cause.

With most of the run behind us, we were picking up our pace a bit around where Raye turns into 8th. As we rounded that dark corner of sidewalk, my foot landed in an uneven pothole and rolled out and forward. I could feel a bunch of things stretching and clicking and snapping as I moved and screamed bloody murder. (Be proud, folks. I did not use a single word that would raise an eyebrow). Perrin, my running companion, asked me if we needed to stop, but after a few strides, the pain was bearable and we continued our run.

And now, this is what I have to live with:

Luckily, the pain has not really set in (yet). Riding my bike doesn't seem to be an issue, and walking feels just like it did before, but hurts a bit to go down stairs and flexing my foot also reminds me that, as stated, mistakes were made. Plus, it looks so ugly! I'll be interested to see how tomorrow's (Friday's) run goes with this new lump of glory. Until then, happy trails to all of you non-existent readers!

On the Road Again

I always manage to forget that September is really the reason to live in Seattle. The weather is remarkably comfortable, the rain is another month away (maybe two months in a good year), the sun comes out to play, and the light starts falling in that gorgeous autumn way that makes you feel like you're living in an instagram picture all the time. Unlike the summer months, September also seems to be okay with waiting until midnight to really cool down. The temperature at dusk is still warm enough to allow for a delightful bicycle ride or run in short sleeves. Let's not forget the leaves. I cannot get over the oranges and yellows and deep reds, especially on top of Queen Anne hill.

Training in this weather is absolutely ideal, even if the race itself will be quite a bit cooler. It's easy to establish the habit of running 3-4 days a week when you actually want to be outside. And really, I couldn't ask for a better time or setting to launch into my half-marathon training schedule. I started a week late to do the full 12 weeks that my schedule calls for, but I feel comfortable enough with my running that I can immediately dial into a week that involves 2 miles, 3 miles, and 4 miles with a 2.5 mile recovery.

One thing that's changed is my acquisition of the MapMyRun app on my Droid which is probably just like a Garmin, except I get to see my route mapped out as I run. I had never really run with a pace-keeping device before (despite my very sweet boyfriend thoughtfully buying me a Garmin as I was training for the San Diego Rock 'n Roll half-marathon in 2011). At the time, I just did not have the patience or time to learn how to use it and instead just pre-mapped my runs and timed myself with a stop-watch. Such a luddite! Anyway, the ability to track my pace has been a great training tool for me. I'm learning to push myself better on hills or to back off a bit when my pace is too fast. It's been fun to see how my mood affects my starting pace or how my eating (or lack thereof) will dictate the last quarter of each run.

With this in mind, let's look at how Seattle Half-Marathon Training Week 1 went:

Wednesday, September 12: 2 miles

Let's first talk about Monday. I work with a personal trainer every Monday, which I kind of need because if I'm left to my own devices, I absolutely will not do weight training. My trainer is the same one who helped me peel off 25 pounds of fat when I was 24 years old and saw me through my first two half-marathons. Anyway, Monday consisted of 3 super-sets, two of which included squats. The first super-set had 3 sets of 20 normal squats and if my calculations are correct, I was lifting 75 pounds for all of them. The final set included 3 sets of 15 "hack-squats" (like a dead lift, but the bar is behind you and you stop lifting when the bar hits the back of your legs), weight unknown.

Long story short: my legs were absolute jello. And what's the best kind of run to do two days after you've destroyed your legs with squats? Hills, of course!

I waited to run until after I'd gone back home. My boyfriend's younger daughter is a very athletic 11-year-old who is developing interest in distance running. She spends Wednesdays with us and I like to give her the option of running with me. Unfortunately, she's been dealing with a nasty cold for the last couple of weeks, so it was a solo run for me. Good thing, too, because I was slooooow. After the initial climb, my back was really, REALLY bothering me. I felt like I couldn't move correctly, like my butt was sticking out too much and like I couldn't fix it. I'd initially planned to run a few more miles that night, but turned around when my phone said I'd done one mile. I went home, head hung in shame, and spent some quality time with my foam roller.

Friday September 14, 3 Miles

Work was long and boring. Really, who holds a 4 hour "how to write your scientific reports" meeting on a Friday afternoon?! With frustration and boredom driving me, I was hot out of the stable when I started my 3 mile run at 6:30pm. I ran my 3 miles in 23 minutes - a faster pace than I plan for my half-marathon. I certainly wasn't disappointed, especially considering that I was running on a near-empty fuel tank, a mistake that I most certainly felt by the end of the run. I also still felt the lower back pain that I'd encountered on Wednesday evening, which slowed me in the second half of my run. I may have been in some pain, but I was satisfied as I rode my bicycle home and into the weekend.

Sunday September 16, 4 Miles

AKA long run #2. Joby and I spent a lot of time cleaning, building furniture, and being overall domestic and boring this weekend (excepting brunch with AM and a visit to Heather). After hours of cleaning and frustration on Sunday, I calmed myself down, threw on my running shoes, and went out for my 4 mile run. Unlike previous runs on Queen Anne, I chose to walk up the really difficult initial climb, treating that bit as a warm up, and then stretched my lower back out pretty substantially before I jumped into my run. The afternoon was lovely and I felt pretty good starting out, as is reflected in my 7:58 min/mi pace, but things got kind of weird after that first mile. Some creepy-looking dude in a silver VW jetta started circling blocks and looking ominously at me as he passed by. I got a bit freaked out and started altering my route to try to avoid him, but he kept circling around. My initial instinct was to run faster, hoping he wouldn't catch me. The rational part of my brain (yes, it does exist) kicked in, telling me that outrunning a car is not realistic and that the best thing to do is find a very public space. I high-tailed it to Kerry Park (where you and the regular stream of tourists can get the post-card view of Seattle's skyline) and hang out there until I no longer felt like I was in danger. Considering the view and the weather, I correctly assumed that it would be packed. I forgot to pause MapMyRun when I stopped, so the pace is a little weird for those couple of miles.

Seattle skyline from Kerry Park

Once I felt safe, I continued on my run, but felt a bit exhausted after climbing back to 7th and walked a bit. I was dealing with some shakiness, too. Nobody likes to feel endangered, especially by another human being. It's amazing how that feeling can stick with you. In any case, the pace I achieved for the majority of my run is about what I want for my half-marathon, so apart from creepy VW dude, I'd consider this run a smashing success.

*************************

All in all, not a bad way to kick off training season. Music has been good, too. Perhaps I'll dedicate one of this week's posts to the songs that I most enjoy while running. Until then, here's to happy running!

Seasons

Seattle was dry for a glorious 48 days and though the gloom and gray and reliably constant precipitation could be partially blamed for my immigration to Seattle from Montana, I cannot say that I missed the rain at all. In fact, I didn't really even notice that it was gone. Rather, I found myself a little bit exhausted from feeling so happy all the time. I biked, ran, ate, walked, strolled, picnicked, swam, and lazed outside in warm, dry weather, just like every other person normally does during a summer season. (Granted, the warmth was only here for about two weeks, but after 2011's Neversummer, I'll take it).

Considering the date and the return of the rain, I suppose it's time to mourn the passing of yet another too-short summer. But, I don't know if "mourn" is really the right word because despite my undying love for summer and its related activities, I have to admit that there was something comforting in waking up to the sound of rain falling.* I actually found myself enjoying the process of donning my more than knee-high striped socks with my shorts for just a bit of extra warmth (let's face it, 55F is just a bit too warm for full pants but definitely too chilly for completely bare legs), of fishing out my bright pink waterproof rain jacket that keeps me dry and ensures that this city's incompetent drivers see me before they run me over, of pulling my gloves on instead of riding uncovered. And maybe, just maybe, dodging puddles and bracing myself a little bit against the sudden chill in the air offered me a bit of fun as I dragged myself through a sleep-deprived grog during my bike commute to work.

I was shocked to find myself gleefully anticipating the impending autumn. Anyone who knows me well will argue that this makes no sense. My common complaint stems from chills and I sincerely regret the fact that Seattle's summer can normally be quantified in hours rather than days or months (in my opinion, summer = time during which the temperature equals or exceeds 80 degrees Fahrenheit). But, bracing myself against the wonderfully familiar crispness in the air that comes with the fall, I began counting the ways that I love this season: the leaves becoming vibrant reds and oranges; the aforementioned refreshing crispness in the air; Halloween; pumpkin EVERYTHING; gorgeous sunsets; new episodes of my favorite TV show; my birthday...(oh God, my birthday!)...

The most pronounced feeling I experienced could probably be summarized as comfort. For me, autumn is comforting. There's something to be said about curling up into one's favorite down blanket after a long run in the chilly weather and busting into a good book while downing a delightfully sinful pumpkin spice latte. It's a cuddlier season because the days get shorter and up here, the darkness really does swallow us. By Christmas, we'll have less daylight than darkness, so we take to staying warm with each other and, in my case, decorating with excessive Christmas lights. Ultimately, though, I find comfort in the actual change of seasons. It reminds me that nothing ever really stays the same (myself included) and that with each new season, I'll learn something novel and I'll discover something worth my while. I'll read new books and see new movies and learn something astounding in my scientific career.

My point is that I will sincerely miss summer, but I'm ready for our new rainy autumn overlords because they signal that the world is still turning and that I'm still getting older and I still have the potential to grow into a better runner/scientist/girlfriend/friend/person. That, and they bring with them the pumpkin spice lattes.

*This statement is inaccurate. I actually woke up to a screaming fight at about 6:20am. About socks. Yes, socks. No, it was not pleasant. It's also a lot less whimsical than waking up to the sound of rain falling for the first time in 50 days. I took some artistic liberty here. Sue me. (Please don't sue me).

And here we go again!

I used to relish in the art of blogging. These days, work and my nearly two-years-long relationship take up a lot more of my time and I've fallen out of practice. Rest assured, though, the running has not stopped. I spent the spring training for the Seattle Rock 'n Roll half-marathon. And by "training," I mean, "casually running once or twice a week and only managing to complete 4 or 5 of my long runs in a 12-week schedule." Whoops. Despite my lackadaisical approach, it turned out well. I finished in a respectable 2 hours and 2 minutes and wore a smile throughout the whole thing.

It was a particularly exciting event because my mom and sister were in town and also completing their first half-marathon! They both did a walk/run combination to finish in just under their goal time of 3 hours. Not too shabby, if I do say so myself :) To be honest, I dreaded the run itself. Seattle in June is notoriously rainy and cold and the Friday prior to the race exemplified the nastiness that Seattle can adopt when everyone else in the country is opening their eyes to the first sunbeams of summer. Come race day, however, the skies cleared, the wind stopped, and the weather held until 2 minutes after my mom, sister, and I, exhausted from the race, poured ourselves back into my apartment for well-earned rest and revelry. The sheer joy I experienced was only slightly adulterated by the notion that, had I trained more thoroughly, had I stuck to my very easy training schedule, I could have gotten a personal best. It was a great learning experience -- I run better when I keep my head out of the negative vortex -- but it's a little sad to think about how much faster I could have finished that one. Despite the disappointment, I think it's exactly what I needed. An inspiration to do better and to be better without falling into the trap of hating the very act of running itself. So, let's try this out. I'll be spending my first Christmas away from home this year, breaking my parents' hearts and, if we're going to be honest here, mine too. To make up for it, I'm taking a full week during Thanksgiving to fly home and be with my family, but I'm flying back a day or two early because I want to return to the course that got me my current personal record. I want to make that gamble on the Seattle November weather and run off my undoubtedly delicious Thanksgiving meal. I'm signing up and I've already begun my training, following the same schedule I used two years ago. I'm hoping to get a bit more speed training in there as well, maybe doing speed intervals on my Wednesday or Friday distances. That said, I am really quite excited to return to something I love so much! Wish me luck!

I'm baaaaaack...

In case you missed the facebook announcement, I'm back from a ridiculous few months and ready to train for something again. By this, I mean that I have signed up for the Seattle Rock 'N Roll Half Marathon! Let's consider it a celebration in honor of paying off the credit card debt that I carried around for 5 years (yes, 5. And I cannot even begin to explain how lovely it feels to be completely debt free!). See you on the road!

On Giving Up

Dear Portland Marathon --

It was a fun dream, and for a small while, I enjoyed preparing. But, I think it would be better for both of us if we went our own separate ways. Have fun, I'll be thinking of you October 9th as I lament my lack of will while I stuff my face with birthday cake and bourbon.

Love,
Kristen

******

Yeah. It really came to that. I went out for a 9-mile run tonight, one that was supposed to be taken care of over the weekend. I hit mile 5 when the sun completely disappeared, the wind picked up, and I got goosebumps. In the middle of a run. On the 26th of July.

I know the rest of the country seems to be stuck in the middle of an inferno and that I should really enjoy the cold and complete lack of sun and the unending wind. And I'm sure that I would, with some perspective. Thing is, we had a really difficult spring after a fairly normal winter. I'm ready for some sunshine or something that has some semblance of a real summer. You know, temperatures greater than 62F?

What are the reasons I run in the first place? It keeps the weight off and allows me to be belligerently enthusiastic about food. It helps with my body image issues and normally instills a bit of an endorphin high, which helps me stay happy. It burns stress, it gives me some time to myself. I used to love it because it was a way to get outside for an hour a day. But in the summer that never was, I hate being outside. I hate the fact that I haven't really run in the sun yet this year (excepting my half marathon in San Diego) and that I'm freezing by the time I finish even double digit mileage runs. Every single time I set out for a run these days, it's an obligation. I am not enjoying it.

I have to confess that it's been enough to convince me to skip training runs. I'm feeling out of shape and hopeless. Cripes, I couldn't even finish 9 miles today. Sure, I had a great 13-miler two weeks ago, but 13 is easy. 26 takes a full commitment, and I am not where I need to be. It takes a ton of endurance and strength and a force of will that I don't have this year. Any emotional strength will need to be devoted to keeping myself from completely breaking down from lack of sunshine. It doesn't help that, as soon as I signed up for this race, my weekends from mid-May to mid-September proceeded to fill up. It was impossible to arrange anything around an insane traveling schedule, especially really long training runs. Before I even set out for a chilly jaunt around Seattle, I am exhausted. I am burnt out. And I think i know my limits.

This certainly doesn't mean that I'm giving up on running. The body image issues certainly haven't gone to pasture - something I'll probably have to deal with my entire life. So it goes. And it's not that I hate running. I just hate the weather, I hate spending this much time in it, and I hate constantly feeling like I'm behind of where I need to be. Maybe the lack of obligation will help me remember how much I used to love it, maybe the sun will come out and I'll feel happy again. Maybe someday I *will* tackle the 26.2 miles that so many other people have been able to do. For now...my main goal is to actually get to a point of enjoying it again.

Cajones

Yep, that really is the title of my post today.

I forget sometimes that running is as much mental as it is physical. You have to learn to expect pain and push yourself through it if you're ever going to improve. Gasping lungs, screaming quads, burning glutes...it's actually kind of easy compared to fighting the urge to stop. And of all people, I feel like endurance athletes have the greatest mental fortitude. They push themselves through all of it to add distance, to improve times, to be king of whatever mountain that they choose to tackle.

My motivation has, as of late, been lacking. I discussed a lot of my excuses in my last post, but even while running, I have fallen victim to the seductive suggestion of rest. "It's okay, I have 100 days of training left..." Clearly, this will not do. My prerogative yesterday was to tackle that, to retrain my will, to redevelop the cajones that got me back into running and crossing the finish line with a PR. I figured the best way for me to do that was to run exhausted. This proved to be much easier than I expected.

I think anyone who has made their way from Lake Union to the top of Capitol Hill can tell you that the Eastlake stairs constitute a formidable beast. With an elevation gain of nearly 500 ft in less than a mile, they pose one of the more difficult climbs in this fair city. Running them once is insane enough, but I was really looking for flat-out, ready to cry exhaustion. While one round on these stairs was probably enough to qualify me as exhausted, I pushed myself twice. The idea was to put myself in such an uncomfortable position that I would promise my first-born child if it meant I could stop and walk -- but push through and take on a 4 mile run...without stopping, of course :)





All I can say is "mission accomplished." After that second ascent, I damn near died. My lungs felt worse than I've experienced in all my life, and my legs, already jelly from my Wednesday "step 'n sculpt" class, decided to just go numb. At least I had lack of feeling on my side :) I wanted to quit so badly as I pushed myself up the hill through Volunteer Park. I will admit that the absence of cars and pavement made this climb much easier for me, but it was still hard. The entire time, my mind was yelling at itself: "This is for YOU! We're making you stronger, harder, better!" When I finally crested the zenith of my journey, I thought that my lungs would explode and that my legs would fall out from under me. Luckily, I had a good mile or so of descent to my favorite running trail in all the world, and the only real expectation was to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I finished exhausted, having found my smooth on Interlaken. It's like I hit cruise control at a pace that was *just faster* than comfortable, which brought me to the finish line for the day. I was exhausted, but I was too pleased with myself to be upset.

Note to self: this exercise is worthwhile. The mental training is huge and my legs feel fantastic today.

How do you train your brain to push through those times when you want to give up?

Favorite Places

Confession time: I took TWO AND A HALF WEEKS off of running. After the San Diego Rock 'n' Roll half-marathon, I lost control over my schedule. Everything went crazy.

Some of you may already know this, but for those who are unfamiliar, my other hobby is bicycles. Last fall, my friend Monica and I revived an all-women's monthly bicycle ride called Menstrual Monday. To get our name out to the Seattle lady cyclist population, we put our brains together and hosted an all-girl alleycat bicycle race on the Saturday after San Diego. It took months of planning, writing to sponsors, securing venues, and organizing volunteers, but it was well worth it. 46 racers was enough to convince us that a competitive all-girl bicycle race was long overdue. Stops included a "soccer mom" stop at Meridian park, where the girls had to pound a glass of Franzia, then spin around in circles and kick a soccer ball; the "pretty princess" stop where the ladies were welcome to their pick of decorations for their bike; a secret prom photo stop at Madrona Park along Lake Washington; a "rocker girl" stop at the old OK Hotel, where fake tattoos were applied; and finally, my brainchild, the big wheel tricycle time trials down the bridge to nowhere. Riders had a blast and in all, I consider it a great success.

I've also traveled quite a bit: my boyfriend brought me along for a work trip to Anchorage, AK, a place I've never visited but loved. I also just returned from a 3-day weekend in Boston, where I saw a dear friend from Montana marry a good man. On top of travel, I've helped a friend clean her house to put up for sale as an anticipated addition to her family means that they'll have outgrown their first home, I've joined a Corporate League ultimate frisbee team, I've taken to step aerobics classes at 24hour fitness, shopped for and purchased a great outfit that I can wear to this summer's weddings, occasioned bike rides with my marauding band of drunken cyclists, accomplished wrap-up tasks for the alleycat race (thank you notes to sponsors, sponsor profiles for our blog, posting photos on facebook, etc.), worked at least 40 hours a week, and somewhere in there, managed 1 load of laundry and attempted to be a good, albeit absent girlfriend.

Excuses, excuses, right?

I guess I just needed a little break. I get easily burnt out on things, especially in light of difficult weather patterns in Seattle. I hate to admit it, but the lack of sun has finally taken its toll. I'm coming to terms with it again, now that we are breaching 70F days, but for a while, I was feeling pretty blue.

That said, I'm back on the wagon, beginning yesterday with a 5 mile run on my favorite running loop, except in the opposite direction that I normally run it. I have to admit, it felt terrible at first. My legs were sluggish (possibly after a night in heels that hike me up to 6'2"?), my breathing was weird, and I had no evidence that I could ever find a smooth in my life. My first three miles were only willpower, but the fact that I could muster enough to keep running was empowering. I suppose that I probably had to acquiesce to the fact that I'd let myself slip, but that it is okay. And maybe that self-forgiveness and acceptance kept me from getting to frustrated or upset to give up.

But then I turned a corner and hit my favorite running spot in the whole wide world: Seattle's lush, green Interlaken Park.

The trees had a cooling effect (the balmy 68F was a bit too much for my delicate Seattle constitution!), but I was fully engulfed by the beauty, and by happy running memories from training last fall. I LOVE this place, and I think that the sudden pangs of joy were physically manifested by a spring in my step and a boost in my pace. Running felt the way I remembered - it was joyful and it was an opportunity. I was able to think about how my attitude had changed last fall, when I returned to running after a year-long injury and some extra time off - running was a privilege, even a blessing. I was lucky to be so healthy that I could take on 5 miles!

This is what I have been missing for the last few months!

I didn't even look at my finishing time. I felt great about this run because it brought me back. Now I'm ready. I have a big, big milestone to prepare for: my first full marathon is less than 4 months away! I am scared, even a bit intimidated, but I am excited. I am itching to get on the road again, and it feels SO GOOD to approach a run without that feeling of obligation, or even dread.

Do any of you have favorite running places and similar reactions to them? Tell me about them!

BIg Day

Happy running thoughts going out to my running buddy, ultimate frisbee friend, software engineer genius, and good friend ShortSkirts on her first half-marathon. She's been training hard for the Seattle RnR half-marathon for months and months and is turning into my inspiration to lace up my shoes every day - she's truly a strong woman and a dedicated runner. Race started 6 minutes ago. Have fun, ShortSkirts! I'm cheering you on from Boston and I can't wait to hear about the race!

Dreaming Big

I promise to you, my beloved readers, a recap of last weekend's San Diego Rock 'n' Roll Half Marathon. For now, it should suffice to say that it was ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL! If you ever, ever get a chance to run in San Diego, jump on it like I might jump on bacon. I'm that serious.

For now, I want to get this onto my blog so that I can track my training whenever I need to. For those of you who don't know, I decided that the *perfect* way to celebrate my 28th birthday would be to run and complete my first (and depending on how it turns out, possibly my only) full marathon. I signed up for the Portland Marathon, which takes place on October 9th this year, 3 days after my 28th birthday.

Since I tend to do well when I adhere to a running schedule, I asked a few of my marathoner friends what they have done to train in the past. My favorite of those recommended came from my friend Lafe, who completed the Seattle Marathon in less than 4 hours last fall. He suggested the Hal Higdon website, which has a lot of different schedules for people of different abilities. Since I'm coming right off of a half-marathon, it seemed okay, even reasonable to settle on Intermediate 2 schedule, which will allow me to do 2 20-mile runs before the race itself. It looks like it will challenge me, but not so much to scare or overwhelm me:



I'm surprisingly excited, which I think might be attributed to coming off of a sub-2-hour half marathon (yay!). Wish me luck, and come run with me sometime!

For the love

For that first time my Dad brought me along on his two-mile loop around our neighborhood, I trade my jeans for my running shorts and my gam-tastic heels for my running shoes.

For every time that I've scored a point in ultimate frisbee because I could simply outlast the competition, I push myself through that first, hardest mile.

For every time my running buddy, Zach has convinced me that the weather's not that bad and that perhaps we really should do that five miles I planned,

For the small handful of Seattle's sunny days, and for all of those torrential downpours I've conquered, and for every time I've swallowed my absolute hatred for wind, and for every time I've allowed it to beat me down,

For every single last exhausting hill that this city throws at me,

For every time that I've looked in the mirror and felt like crying from disappointment at my reflection and for every time I've taken pride in my muscles,

For all the people who make me feel unwanted,

For all the songs I discovered during a long route without a playlist,

For every time I fell for a boy and every time my heart's been broken,

For the year I spent rehabilitating my back and the physical therapist who told me I'd probably never run again,

For everyone I love so much who will be waiting for me at the finish line,

For the pain and for the joy that comes with the freedom of moving my body, and for the love of this sport,

For me,

I run.

FOr a variety of reasons, between weather and wind and bad luck with colds and bacteria, this has been the most difficult training season of my life. I'm just a few short days away from the San Diego half-marathon. When I set out my training schedule, I was so set that I'd force a personal best out of myself because my parents, my sister and her boyfriend and my boyfriend will all be at the finish line. I wanted to give them my best. I effectively lost weeks 9 and 10 of my 12-week schedule to illness, and I know I will not have fully recovered. Though I completed a 12.5 mile run on Saturday, my confidence in my ability to push through the fatigue is fading and I am less convinced that I can fight that pathetic, sad voice in the back of my head that tells me to give up.

I need to change my approach for this race. I cannot run to beat myself this time - I need to run to enjoy it. Regardless of my time, my people will still cheer for me and they will still love me. I'll run for the love of it, because, really, isn't that what it's supposed to be about?

Snapshots

Every time I see a photographer on a race, I smile. Before I adopted this policy, I ended up with really scary race photos.

I got an email today from Evan Pilchik Photography and opened it to discover that I'd made it into a lot of shots from the race. The following is my favorite, even though I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing with my arms here.



I also really like the one below because you can tell that I'm starting to dig for the finish.



I have a few problems with pictures of myself, mostly perpetuated by a hyperactive sense of self-loathing. When I look at the first picture, it's difficult for me to avoid honing in on my softer bits, on the things that I want to change, but hey. At least I'm smiling.

Silly

Remember how upset and disappointed I was about the outcome of the St. Paddy's Day Dash? How I was angry that I'd stopped, that I'd run with a bronchial infection? Remember how I claimed that it was the worst race of my life?

Well, I finally decided to rip off the band-aid and expose my ego to the elements. I navigated away from work to the race website and checked my time.

I finished in 31 minutes and 55 seconds.

That is a pace of 8 minutes and 24 seconds per mile to achieve 1322/7353 over all, 346/4085 women to run, and 70/785 in my division (women ages 26-29).

Not too shabby for running with compromised lungs and a cough. Don't get me wrong -- I still need a lot of work before San Diego, but man. Why do I freak out about the stupidest things???

Planning

11.5 weeks.

I have 11.5 weeks until I run the San Diego half-marathon, and as discussed in my last post, my recent performance worries me. Last time I signed up for a half-marathon, I could barely finish 2 miles without cursing and stopping to catch my breath. I followed an easy training schedule that added 1 mile to my long distance every week and worked my way up to almost 14 miles a few weeks before I ran. And then I ran the fastest half-marathon of my life.

Now I want to run faster.

Clearly, I've responded to training schedules before, so I did some lunchtime research and found this 9 week program. I think that I can do it. I don't live spectacularly close to any tracks that I know of, but I have a bicycle and a decent knowledge of where to ride to find one. I'm interested to see how I can hold up with speed training, etc. And if I train for 8-minute miles (which I *think* I can do), and maintain that pace during the race, I'd blow my personal record out of the water. I'm worried that the longest run prior to the race is 12 miles, but I know from November that I can, in fact, do 13.1. I'm also worried about how my body will hold up when I throw Sunday ultimate into the mix. I mean, I could just shift the schedule such that Sundays would be my rest day (which I would burn on ultimate), but my last bout of training tought me that rest days are important.

I'm torn. I like the fact that this would allow me 2.5 weeks to rebuild my cold-damaged endurance before jumping into training, but I have reservations that I described in the previous paragraph.

Could anyone please weigh in on their experiences with speed training? I haven't really done it since track in high school (which, OMG, is 9 years ago now). What are training schedules that have helped you achieve personal records? Finally, does anyone care to join me in this training program? As I've written numerous times, it's always easier to motivate myself and really push myself beyond my comfort zone when I have someone else there.

Running with the Plague and Other Misadventures, Pt. 2

I told you I'd finish this post! Two days later, I'm still hacking away, but my cough is loosening up, the nastiness is making its way out of my lungs (which is really gross, but a sign of progress), and I'm already planning my run for the evening despite the incredibly ominous looking storm cloud rolling over the Space Needle from the west.

As I stated in Running with the Plague and Other Misadventures, Pt. 1, I've had many adventures since my single blog post from February. These adventures most certainly continued after winning the 1st Lady spot at the FHR:

4) A Sunny Seattle Weekend (Seattle, WA)

After working through a month full of the awesome and the tedious (seriously, moving SUCKS), I was relieved to have a fairly unscheduled weekend to my disposal. And what did I do with it? If you guessed "Knowing Kristen, I bet she filled it to the brim," you would be correct. Before I can continue my narrative, I should probably fill you in on one thing....so, uh, yeah. There's this guy. And he's pretty great. He's been in my life for a couple of months now, he's gone on numerous adventures with me, and he makes my life happier. He and I have a similar enthusiasm for hosting, and after a successful Valentine's Day dinner with friends, we decided that brunch would be in order. We spent Friday night gathering ingredients for the strata that I made and for fantastic bloody marys (the trick is lots of pickles and Johnny's seasoning salt). On Saturday morning, a small group of our friends joined us for what turned out to be a fantastic meal, after which a few of us ventured into the rare Seattle sun for a short bike ride up to Matthews Beach, then through the arboretum to the Central District.

Pickles make everything better.

Bikes at Matthews Beach

The evening's festivities included a stop at what is likely the rockingest party I've attended since college for a friend's 30th birthday. Considering the fullness of the hours leading up, I'm afraid that my showing was uncharacteristically quiet, but I had an absolute blast seeing everyone decked out in togas and playing beer pong.

We had a plan for Sunday to take advantage of the nice weather: we would ride our bikes around Lake Washington. THis sounds impressive, and don't get me wrong, 65 miles is nothing to scoff at, but it's also something we both know we're capable of doing. It seemed kind of like the perfect solution to recent complaints of not enough time on bicycles, and it's a great way to spend up to 4 hours out of doors. But, first thing first: brunch. We went to the 5-spot in the Denny Triangle area because it was noon and there was no wait. It wasn't bad, but not awesome either. It was fuel, and that's all we needed. We set off, stopping only for snacks in Kirkland and for a small rest toward the end as we rode by Magnuson Park. I was enthralled by the fact that he had never before taken my route to get from downtown to the airport in Renton AND that he preferred it to the route he had ridden previously - he usually knows a lot more than I do about the best routes in Seattle. Exhausted, we wrapped up our epic weekend with a trip to Target (ugh, moving stuff), a ravioli dinner, and a movie, each thrilled with the successes of the weekend.

And that brings me to the weekend that just ended, or more importantly:

5) St. Paddy's Day Dash (Seattle Center, Seattle, WA)

I think (hope) that every runner will, at some point, experience a race in which everything goes entirely wrong. It is this belief that prevents me from pulling my hair out and crying over the crushing disappointments I endured last Sunday. This race took its dear sweet time getting here - I'd registered long before the deadline, I found fantastic socks, and even went so far as to order a scandalously short green plaid skirt to complement the green argyle target socks. I mean, it was a fun run. Short distance, beer garden finish line, impending holiday...why NOT go all out? Better yet, I'd be running with ShortSkirts, my running buddy Zach, and Ines! ...and then Thursday struck, bringing with it headaches, a sore throat, coughing like whoa, restricted lung capacity, and no awesome miniskirt. I did my best to rest during the weekend, hoping that my stupid skirt would arrive. When I woke up sans skirt at 7am on daylight savings time on Sunday morning, I wasn't feeling so bad that I could justifiably throw away the $30something I spent on registration and threw on my socks, my favorite Nike running shorts, and my 2010 marathon shirt, and rode my bike through a deluge to the starting line. Soaked and cold, I met up with Zach and Josh a few minutes before the race began and despite the excitement around me, the ridiculous outfits, the lack of wind, and the anticipation that normally builds during the countdown until the start, I could not pick my mood up. I was cold, I was sick, I didn't look even remotely silly, and I was absolutely pissed. I'm afraid I carried my bad attitude with me through the entire almost-4 miles, and it manifested in the ugliest word my mind throws at me while I'm running: "cannot." I remember the minute it popped into my head, I pulled myself out of the crowd to the side of the road where I started coughing. I'm pretty sure my left lung is still somewhere on the side of 99. Not only did I walk during a short, short race, I flat-out stopped. I considered the possibility of just taking one of the stairways from 99 to Dexter and going home without any celebration or revelry. I probably cried, and to give myself *some* credit, I was sick and I was in pain. Still. I crossed the finish line swearing. I realize that I should give myself credit for finishing at all, especially considering that I'd been running a race with the plague in my lungs, but I had walked. My pride hurt a lot and, to be honest, still does. I am so disappointed in myself, more for losing the mental game of endurance than anything. I can't stop telling myself that I really could have kept going if I had kept a sunnier attitude. I'm lucky, too, that my friends were willing to put up with my icy cold demeanor and nasty cough to keep me company in the beer garden. They had all run great races - Josh kept his average mile under 7 minutes! Their company and brunch at Portage Bay Cafe (where runners got preferential seating that morning!) made my Sunday morning worth the early rising. All in all, I hope to run this dash again next year, ideally with healthy lungs and sunshine instead.

I, Zach, Ines, and Josh celebrate the end of the run with Red Hook Beer

I have never in my life been so unsatisfied with my performance in a race, but all is not lost because I learned a few things. First, it's stupid to run competitively (with others AND myself) when my health is compromised. I probably made my cold a little bit worse and now I'm nervous about my next run back, my next race, and San Diego. Secondly, I have not been taking my training seriously enough. As I mentioned in Part 1 of this post, I have been lackadaisical, lazy about planning, and have not improved. I cannot claim to have hit a plateau because I haven't been putting the work in - I have not improved as a result of not adhering to a more stringent running schedule. The thing is, my family will be in San Diego - my parents, my cousin, an aunt and an uncle, possibly my sister...I want to get a personal best in that half-marathon and I wan tto make them proud. My success in November was the direct result of hard work and smart training. It's something that I can do again. I just have to commit to it.

I'll post my training schedule up here soon. I'm probably going to have to omit the first few weeks because I'm getting such a late start, but I think that I'm perfectly capable of a continuous 6 miles when I'm healthy, so I don't have to worry *too* much. It's also time for me to treat my body better over all - healthier diet, more stretching, ideally more yoga (this should be easy now, as I live quite close to downtown). I'll start posting here more often as I figure out more about this running thing and as I think up more interesting routes, and I fully expect any of you readers to hold me to this. Ultimately, the fear of failure, especially in the public eye, is one of my greatest motivators, and I intend to use it to my advantage.

Here we go.

Running with the Plague and Other Misadventures

Well, hey there inadvertent hiatus! How you doin'?

Sorry for my long-term leave. I could make billions of excuses, but ultimately, I just didn't make time. I could lie and say that I've maintained a pristine running record in my writing hiatus, but really, I've been doing a weird 2x per week thing and am beginning to pay for it. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of runs and plenty of active adventures. To name a few:

1) Love 'Em or Leave 'Em Valentine's Day Dash (Green Lake, Seattle, WA)

This one was a lot of fun. As explained in a previous post in the style of emails, ShortSkirts and I ran as team Cupid's Angels. We wore ridiculously cute thigh-high stockings and ran the whole race together, crossing the finish-line hand in hand. Though Shortskirts and I have communicated our running adventures to each other, we had actually never gone on a run together. I had a great time with this new running buddy and hope to make joint jaunts a more common occurrence.

You can see me and Shortskirts running together at the beginning of the VDay Dash in this stolen photo.

Cupid's Angels show off their thigh-high Valentine's Day stockings after the race

2) Zoobomb's Minibike Winter (Portland, OR)

Every year, Portland's bike scene puts on a big party for all of the non-spandexed bike hooligans who love drinking and bike-related revelry. This particular party revolves around minibikes (children's bicycles that you build up enough to ride). Events include Chariot Wars, Minibike Olympics, a photo scavenger hunt, and a big warehouse party where bmx-ers can show off on a half-pipe before everyone gathers to watch multiple bike-dance troupes perform. First of all, I never put much thought into it, but damn. Portland is perfect for bicycles. Mostly flat, friendly drivers, bike lanes everywhere...it was actually kind of hard coming back to Seattle. Though my group did not participate in all the events listed, we enjoyed seeing fellow Seattlites compete in the Chariot Wars, drinking by the river, stops of unmentionable nature, hot tubs, VooDoo Donuts, the warehouse party, and of course, the company of each other. It was a great break from Seattle, from my job, from moving...it was perfect, actually.

Friends and bikes in sunny Portland

I pose on a heavy BMX bicycle (the one that a friend used in the CHariot Wars) while waiting for donuts at VooDoo.

Turns out that you can barely squeeze 6 adults into a photo booth, as we discovered in the Portland mall in search of swim suits.

3) Point83's F***ing Hills Race aka FHR aka Cascade's Chilly Hilly (Bainbridge Island, WA)

I'd like to begin by pointing out that we only pirate the course. We do not use any of the Cascade resources, food, water, rest stops, etc. The weather on this particular Sunday was disgusting. Rainy/snowy and wind gusts like whoa. We woke up late and pushed through a headwindy sprint to the meet-up point at the ferry. I was cranky. If there is one form of weather that pisses me right off, it's wind. And here I was, the morning after a rough conversation with the gentleman friend that kept me up way too late, leaving the warmth and comfort of bed for 33 miles of effing hills in wind and snow. When we left the ferry, someone yelled "go," and listening to the song Black Sheep from the Scott Pilgrim soundtrack, I began on my way, pedaling along on Kingsley, my pride and joy yellow LeMond Buenos Aires. I paced myself to another member of the club who is always pleasant, and usually keeps a pretty good clip. There were times that I damn near started crying, but kept on truckin' until I got to the one check-point of the race, a vodka stop at the beginning of Baker Hill. I asked one of the labcoat-clad drink peddlers how many women had been by. He gave me a pensive look, then replied, "Huh, I guess you're the first!" I gulped down my shot of vodka, coughed a bit, did NOT puke, then proceeded to granny-gear my way up Baker Hill. Surprisingly, the alcohol helped. Anyway, without a clue as to who was behind me at what distance, I hurried along, making friends on the way. I eventually started cursing the Seattle winter weather and topography. My quads were cramping, my calves were screaming, my lungs where heaving, and the wind was blasting into my face, bringing snow and strife with it. I pushed myself through the one hill that remained between me and sweet, meaty, warm chili and fell over upon completion. I was the first woman to cross the finish line and god damn. It felt good.

FHR finishers crowd around the bonfire as they cheer on their fellow pirates

Please tune in for part 2 of this post. I have no idea when I"ll have time to write it, but I'll make it work somehow.

Fleeing

So, it's not that I've been skipping the running part, I'm just failing to write about it. I haven't forgotten to write so much as I've been pressed for time lately. It should also be noted that none of my recent runs have been remarkable in any way. No long distances and they're only peppered with the occasional guest star.

And then there was last night.

I had finished another long day in lab, and we'd unearthed really exciting information that is likely to diminish some risk that had been previously associated with my project. We're making progress, people. And even though it feels damn good, the hours upon hours that it has taken to generate these data have exhausted me. I am burned out, mentally and physically. Furthermore, remember the post "Distracted?" Yeah, a lot of that drama has not calmed down. In fact, it seems to have escalated and I'm finding myself working through a weird sense of rejection and trying to gracefully navigate my way through the rumor mill.

My typical knee-jerk reaction is to divert to a quiet, melancholy outlook, and spend a few days pouting and feeling sorry for myself. But yesterday, I came to two conclusions:

First, to my job:


Secondly, I decided to go running. Again, this was not a remarkable run. I covered a very brisk 5.5 miles in the dark, listening to my iPod on random. At first, my legs only wanted to move because they knew that doing so would get my blood flowing and keep me warm. But they kept moving after I broke a sweat - they picked up speed and each step brought with it a specific purpose of removing me further from everything that has been pissing me off or stressing me out. I was fleeing, and this didn't become apparent to me until I rounded the corner from the Seattle center back onto Mercer which put me back in the direction of my office. It all still waited for me - my lab, my email, my phone, my work, my reports, my stupid facebook account...My stride got shorter, my legs heavier, and the spring diminished from my step. The last mile dragged on and I couldn't find a single song that I wanted to hear. And though I finished with endorphins pumping through my vessels and veins, I lacked the emotional reprieve that I can usually achieve after a good run.

I suppose that's the problem with this habit - it's only temporary. You can only run so far before you wear yourself out, and when you return, everything is just as you left it. Sure, it doesn't directly solve any problems (excepting, of course, the improvement of physical fitness and perhaps aiding in weight loss), but perhaps it can lend you the resolve to handle all of it with strength and grace and patience. Or maybe it exhausts you just enough to stop caring so much.

Ugh. Sorry for the super emo posts lately! I have an exciting brunch run this weekend - stay tuned for happier (food-related!) posts :)

Another Series of Fortunate Emails

04 January 2011
ShortSkirts to Kristenrunning:

Subject: Happy New Year & Valentine's Day Dash
Hey Kristen,

Hope your holiday was great and you had an awesome new year! So last year Zach & Josh did a bro-love run of the Valentine's Day Dash and are looking to get more people together to do it this year. It's a 5k around Green Lake that you run in pairs.


Anyway I've caught quite the running bug you were right it took less than a month, and was wondering if you'd like to be my running valentine and do this race with me?

05 January 2011
Kristenrunning to ShortSkirts:

Yo, lady friend! Happy New Year to you too :) I hope that you enjoyed your holiday season as well. Montana was great - family time is always valuable, and it was kind of nice to escape from Seattle for a little bit.

You. are. AWESOME! I am so glad that you've enjoyed running and that you're considering a half marathon! It's been a lot of fun following your running updates on Shortskirts and Science. You're doing amazingly :) I would absolutely LOVE to be your running valentine this year! Question: How do you feel about costumes? :)

Talk to you soon, my running friend! I'd love to join you on a run one of these days. Let me know if you're ever in the mood for a running buddy :)

Cheers!
Kristen

ShortSkirts to Kristenrunning:

Yay! I'm so excited. Also I love costumes. The sillier the better. I tested the running with people water's with zedd & zach last weekend and really enjoyed it so after my 5k next weekend i'd love to get together and run, this upcoming week is less interesting because I think I'm actually going to do the whole taper and rest thing, I had an amazing 2 mile run yesterday that blew me out of the water since I've been just dead tired all week with running, frisbee, and extra hours at the gym. Anyway even though I felt pretty tired the run was amazing I PR'd my two mile time so now i'm like hmmm I wonder what I can do if my legs actually aren't exhausted.

Anyway I'll sign us up on the site and let the boys know that they have some competition haha.

Kristenrunning to ShortSkirts:

Hey lady friend!

Would you be okay if I published our email exchange on my blog? It would be in the style of my post "A Series of Fortunate Emails," and I would refer to you as ShortSkirts in the exchanges. No email addresses will be published. And, if you'd rather not, no worries at all :)

In the meantime....yay, your big race is coming up! I'm so excited for you!!! It's a lot of fun - it's a great pay-out for all of the training you've put in. Tapering is definitely a great idea. I think it was one of the components of my training program that allowed me the success that I encountered, and it's amazing how good it feels to run after a few days of rest! I was hoping that I'd be able to come down and cheer you on, but I'm afraid that I'll be out of town that weekend :( Please know that I'll be thinking about you and cheering you on from my remote location :) Do you run on Saturday or Sunday?

Finally. I've heard really good things about the St. Patty's Day dash. There's a beer garden at the finish line and everything AND there's a costume contest :) Info here: http://stpatsdash.com/ It's supposed to be approximately 4 miles this year, which could be great, either as a training run, or as a mid-distance stepping stone to a 10k or a half-marathon. I am signing myself up and thought you might be interested as well. Shoot, we could even try to put together a team if we so desire!

Hope you're having a wonderful day, ShortSkirts! Talk to you soon!
Kristen

ShortSkirts to Kristenrunning:

Hey Kristen,

I'm totally cool with you publishing our emails on your blog. Go for it!

I'm super excited for the race its on Saturday, and then I have two Winter League games afterwards at Magnuson so it'll be a very athletic day, and then our frisbee team has Fancy Cocktail Party that evening so it'll be a great day I think. Run, Frisbee, Dresses & Cocktails! Thank you for your thoughts!

Yes I saw the St. Paddy's Day Dash that does look like a lot of fun. I love costumes and looking ridiculous so I'd totally be down for that. I will do some recruiting for that event too with the boys I think.

I think I have committed myself to a half, I kind of talk like I'm running one and planned out a running schedule from now till June 25th to do the Rock n' Roll half. A lot of teammates are doing the Vancouver one May 1st, but I find running in Seattle very special, and my sister may come out and run it with me and she's not done with school till the end of May. I'd love to show you my plan and see if you have any suggestions. I have a long lead time its like my current 5k plan, plus an 8 week advanced 5/10k that builds up to 7 miles. Then a 12 week half plan tacked on. I did some switching around the days the long runs will happen on since Frisbee is Friday and Sundays in the Spring. So basically all I have to do is sign up now and keep running.

I went out this morning at 7am and it was just this awesome special experience. It was great. I'm totally hooked haha.

Oh also I'm playing Hangover this weekend too. If you need a ride let me know. Our team is hosting so I have to stay a little later and help clean up but I'll be heading to the fields at like 9:30ish.

Hope you are having a great day!

**********

Can I just say how awesome it is to know people who are as enthusiastic about running as I am? ShortSkirts is a fantastic lady that I met through our mutual love of ultimate frisbee, and she's recently stumbled upon a running obsession. She is an infinitely talented woman, and as I'm sure you have gathered from the above email exchange, I am lucky enough to call her my running valentine! So, that and the St. Paddy's Day dash are both on my radar. I still would like to get a good half in sometime in March...

Suggestions? Bueller?

High Time

Dear Kristen,

I know you've spent about 5 hours of your long work day on me, but I think I'mma spontaneously combust now. Peace out.

Love,
The Bane of Your Existence
aka
The 115-page document that *just* corrupted itself
aka
The reason that you opted to skip yoga because you were *this close* to finishing me

******

Clearly, today is not my day. After crying for about 5 minutes, I'm saying "eff this noise, it's high time for a good run." I compiled the following guilty pleasure playlist for snowboarding in Montana. We'll see how it stands up (on shuffle) to a longish run.

1) Teenage Dream (Katy Perry)
2) Rehab (Amy Winehouse)
3) My Love (The Bird and the Bee)
4) Toxic (Britney Spears)
5) Drive (The Cars)
6) Pogo (Digitalism)
7) Ordinary World (Duran Duran)
8) Black Sheep (The Evil Exes)
9) Luxurious (Gwen Stefani)
10) Can't Say No (The Helio Sequence)
11) Change Clothes (Jay-Z)
12) Thank You (Jay-Z)
13) Your Arms Around Me (Jens Lekman)
14) Lights (Journey)
15) Touch the Sky (Kanye West ft. Lupe Fiasco)
16) Heartbeats (The Knife)
17) Say It Right (Nelly Furtado)
18) End It On This (No Doubt)
19) Too Young (Phoenix)
20) Beautiful (Snoop Dogg ft. Pharell and Uncle Charlie Wilson)
21) My Wife, Lost in the Wild (Beirut)
22) Big Poppa (The Notorious BIG)

distracted

Today was, for a myriad of reasons, an overly emotional day. I can be fine with these sorts of days when I can curl up in my papasan and cry it out away from the public eye, but between work and other plans, I was afforded no such privacy until I set out on my run today -- the first in the new year and, apart from the torrential inner dialogue, the best I've had in a long time. In a way, running has been the saving grace of my interpersonal interactions, especially when I'm upset. In frustration and anger and hurt, I used to write emails. They were confrontational and I often found myself regretting them almost immediately. These days, I set out to the pavement, composing a mental letter that I will not ever send off unless the problem at hand continues along its frustrating course or unless, through the clarity that the remainder of my run grants me, I happen upon the conclusion that my point deserves to be vocalized.

So, I set out with little, if any, agenda. I knew that I didn't want to push it too far, given that I'd taken about a week away from running to concentrate on snow adventures instead. But, I needed the solace that I seem to find best during longer runs. I went to the Space Needle, then worked my way into downtown, then returned back to SLU via Westlake. I don't even know how far it was, and surprisingly, it doesn't really matter. I was lost in my head for the entirety of it and while I finished with a little bit more resolve, I somewhat regret that I forgot to appreciate the run itself.

I spent a lot of my time on the pavement thinking about judgment. I am 27 years old, and through a number of my misadventures, I have made mistakes. I have paid dearly for some of them, but I have trouble regretting many because they have taught me a lot. Because of the adversity that I have inadvertently brought upon myself, I've been forced to find solutions, to abandon the freak-out stage, and actually just tackle the problem with as much tact and grace as I can muster. I am human. Humans mess up sometimes.

Not everyone I meet will like me. I think it's an intrinsic truth of existence that it is impossible to please everyone. Some people will hate me without justification. They will judge me without understanding the circumstances behind my behavior and beliefs. While I know that their opinions should not matter (I mean, really, I have such amazing friends who actually *like* me! - their friendship honors me and suggests that I"m doing something right), the caustic words and the unfair assumptions hurt.

Last night's run found me fixated on the less than flattering opinion of an acquaintance. I've been well aware of this individual's opinion for some time, but hearing it relayed to me yesterday by someone I hold in high regard, well, it pissed me off. It hurt my feelings and reduced me to tears. Insecurities welled up and took over and drove me to a harried, quick, angry stride, all the while accompanied by my own internal voice screaming at this individual, setting the stage for my circumstances and approach to life, relaying my pity for them ("How can you be so judgmental? You don't even really know me! You're too good and too wrapped up in your own perfect life to give me the time of day! And you're so miserable that you're going to fixate on my shortcomings? I feel sorry for you!"). But, ultimately, I was most upset that this individual so loosely presented his opinion to people who actually matter to me rather than approach me with it. It's a very "Seattle" way of doing things (read: passive aggressive) and I find it to be cowardly and disrespectful. If you're going to make proclamations about my morality, have the decency to express them to my face, rather than circulate unkind words behind my back.

And then, running past the twinkle lights on Westlake, I hit my smooth. I calmed down and listened to "My Wife, Lost in the Wild" by Beirut (one of my favorite songs EVER). This person is entitled to his opinion and frankly, he's not worth the time it would take me to attempt to alter it. I don't need his friendship. Hell, I don't really even need him to like me. After years and years of self deprecation and self-loathing, I finally like who I am. I am kind to people, I smile at strangers on the street, and I can do anything if I really set my mind to it. I am adventurous, intelligent, and tenacious. And if I am ever really questioning my self-worth, I can justify myself by the people who choose to keep company with me. They are creative and hilarious and brilliant and most importantly, they are some of the most beautiful personalities that I could imagine.

I apologize for the glimpse into my personal life, and I apologize for spitting all of this out here. Frankly, this blog centers around running and while I love posting my accomplishments, my routes, my victories and defeats, there is more to running than that. It is a mental release and many times, an emotional one too. Part of what fuels me is the need to sort out the personal details of my life -- sometimes a run is a great celebration of a new crush or an exciting accomplishment, or an escape from the stresses of work, or my way of coping with a personal tragedy. Anyway...I do feel better. Thank you for reading - happy days on the horizon, I promise :)