Dear Portland Marathon --
It was a fun dream, and for a small while, I enjoyed preparing. But, I think it would be better for both of us if we went our own separate ways. Have fun, I'll be thinking of you October 9th as I lament my lack of will while I stuff my face with birthday cake and bourbon.
Love,
Kristen
******
Yeah. It really came to that. I went out for a 9-mile run tonight, one that was supposed to be taken care of over the weekend. I hit mile 5 when the sun completely disappeared, the wind picked up, and I got goosebumps. In the middle of a run. On the 26th of July.
I know the rest of the country seems to be stuck in the middle of an inferno and that I should really enjoy the cold and complete lack of sun and the unending wind. And I'm sure that I would, with some perspective. Thing is, we had a really difficult spring after a fairly normal winter. I'm ready for some sunshine or something that has some semblance of a real summer. You know, temperatures greater than 62F?
What are the reasons I run in the first place? It keeps the weight off and allows me to be belligerently enthusiastic about food. It helps with my body image issues and normally instills a bit of an endorphin high, which helps me stay happy. It burns stress, it gives me some time to myself. I used to love it because it was a way to get outside for an hour a day. But in the summer that never was, I hate being outside. I hate the fact that I haven't really run in the sun yet this year (excepting my half marathon in San Diego) and that I'm freezing by the time I finish even double digit mileage runs. Every single time I set out for a run these days, it's an obligation. I am not enjoying it.
I have to confess that it's been enough to convince me to skip training runs. I'm feeling out of shape and hopeless. Cripes, I couldn't even finish 9 miles today. Sure, I had a great 13-miler two weeks ago, but 13 is easy. 26 takes a full commitment, and I am not where I need to be. It takes a ton of endurance and strength and a force of will that I don't have this year. Any emotional strength will need to be devoted to keeping myself from completely breaking down from lack of sunshine. It doesn't help that, as soon as I signed up for this race, my weekends from mid-May to mid-September proceeded to fill up. It was impossible to arrange anything around an insane traveling schedule, especially really long training runs. Before I even set out for a chilly jaunt around Seattle, I am exhausted. I am burnt out. And I think i know my limits.
This certainly doesn't mean that I'm giving up on running. The body image issues certainly haven't gone to pasture - something I'll probably have to deal with my entire life. So it goes. And it's not that I hate running. I just hate the weather, I hate spending this much time in it, and I hate constantly feeling like I'm behind of where I need to be. Maybe the lack of obligation will help me remember how much I used to love it, maybe the sun will come out and I'll feel happy again. Maybe someday I *will* tackle the 26.2 miles that so many other people have been able to do. For now...my main goal is to actually get to a point of enjoying it again.
4 comments:
It's really hard to maintain a good training schedule around travel. And, the more structured a training schedule, the harder it can get to have fun with it. Haven't you also done a lot of events lately? Sounds like break time.
Thanks for understanding, Andrew. Yeah, I've done a number of races in the last 8 months or so, and it's been about a year since I solidly started training. You hit the issue exactly: it's impossible to have fun with it right now. I don't know how my marathoner friends do it. In any case, I'm doing my best to not feel ashamed for throwing in the towel. :-/
Yea this summer has definitely been a rough one. And there is no shame in not wanting to train. You've been gunning for some race or another for quite some time now and sometimes its nice to just do things for fun! Like dressing up as a pirate and running through downtown seattle saturday night!
keep it fun. do shorter distances for awhile. do more speedwork. maybe just find long steep hills of stairs to climb up/down off and on and call that your run for the day. read a few books on running. reading them points me to new stuff i can try. which always pushes me out the door for a run. or, just play more sports that involve running - soccer anyone?
Post a Comment