distracted

Today was, for a myriad of reasons, an overly emotional day. I can be fine with these sorts of days when I can curl up in my papasan and cry it out away from the public eye, but between work and other plans, I was afforded no such privacy until I set out on my run today -- the first in the new year and, apart from the torrential inner dialogue, the best I've had in a long time. In a way, running has been the saving grace of my interpersonal interactions, especially when I'm upset. In frustration and anger and hurt, I used to write emails. They were confrontational and I often found myself regretting them almost immediately. These days, I set out to the pavement, composing a mental letter that I will not ever send off unless the problem at hand continues along its frustrating course or unless, through the clarity that the remainder of my run grants me, I happen upon the conclusion that my point deserves to be vocalized.

So, I set out with little, if any, agenda. I knew that I didn't want to push it too far, given that I'd taken about a week away from running to concentrate on snow adventures instead. But, I needed the solace that I seem to find best during longer runs. I went to the Space Needle, then worked my way into downtown, then returned back to SLU via Westlake. I don't even know how far it was, and surprisingly, it doesn't really matter. I was lost in my head for the entirety of it and while I finished with a little bit more resolve, I somewhat regret that I forgot to appreciate the run itself.

I spent a lot of my time on the pavement thinking about judgment. I am 27 years old, and through a number of my misadventures, I have made mistakes. I have paid dearly for some of them, but I have trouble regretting many because they have taught me a lot. Because of the adversity that I have inadvertently brought upon myself, I've been forced to find solutions, to abandon the freak-out stage, and actually just tackle the problem with as much tact and grace as I can muster. I am human. Humans mess up sometimes.

Not everyone I meet will like me. I think it's an intrinsic truth of existence that it is impossible to please everyone. Some people will hate me without justification. They will judge me without understanding the circumstances behind my behavior and beliefs. While I know that their opinions should not matter (I mean, really, I have such amazing friends who actually *like* me! - their friendship honors me and suggests that I"m doing something right), the caustic words and the unfair assumptions hurt.

Last night's run found me fixated on the less than flattering opinion of an acquaintance. I've been well aware of this individual's opinion for some time, but hearing it relayed to me yesterday by someone I hold in high regard, well, it pissed me off. It hurt my feelings and reduced me to tears. Insecurities welled up and took over and drove me to a harried, quick, angry stride, all the while accompanied by my own internal voice screaming at this individual, setting the stage for my circumstances and approach to life, relaying my pity for them ("How can you be so judgmental? You don't even really know me! You're too good and too wrapped up in your own perfect life to give me the time of day! And you're so miserable that you're going to fixate on my shortcomings? I feel sorry for you!"). But, ultimately, I was most upset that this individual so loosely presented his opinion to people who actually matter to me rather than approach me with it. It's a very "Seattle" way of doing things (read: passive aggressive) and I find it to be cowardly and disrespectful. If you're going to make proclamations about my morality, have the decency to express them to my face, rather than circulate unkind words behind my back.

And then, running past the twinkle lights on Westlake, I hit my smooth. I calmed down and listened to "My Wife, Lost in the Wild" by Beirut (one of my favorite songs EVER). This person is entitled to his opinion and frankly, he's not worth the time it would take me to attempt to alter it. I don't need his friendship. Hell, I don't really even need him to like me. After years and years of self deprecation and self-loathing, I finally like who I am. I am kind to people, I smile at strangers on the street, and I can do anything if I really set my mind to it. I am adventurous, intelligent, and tenacious. And if I am ever really questioning my self-worth, I can justify myself by the people who choose to keep company with me. They are creative and hilarious and brilliant and most importantly, they are some of the most beautiful personalities that I could imagine.

I apologize for the glimpse into my personal life, and I apologize for spitting all of this out here. Frankly, this blog centers around running and while I love posting my accomplishments, my routes, my victories and defeats, there is more to running than that. It is a mental release and many times, an emotional one too. Part of what fuels me is the need to sort out the personal details of my life -- sometimes a run is a great celebration of a new crush or an exciting accomplishment, or an escape from the stresses of work, or my way of coping with a personal tragedy. Anyway...I do feel better. Thank you for reading - happy days on the horizon, I promise :)